RUMINATIONS...

my "buddy days" at the hospital is over, and i'm about to start my shift on Saturday. i have mixed feelings...

im scared shitless and panicked. right now, i am appearing calm and collected, but the intermittent lapses in memory and judgement is a testament to how i really feel inside. i cant be like this.i hate to appear stupid - coz i know im not, i'm just an inexperienced new grad learning the ropes of the job. but i just hate my present predicament.

i know im supposed to ask for help when i don't know what i am supposed to do. but my pride is keeping me away from doing just that. it takes me a while to go and ask - coz then i have to think of how to rephrase my questions and inquiries to sound like smart questions. no matter how much i try to convince myself that there is no succh thing as stupid questions and that its better to look stupid than acting stupid but all these self-reassurances doessn't help. i hate NOT KNOWING. its like i READ and READ and READ but have trouble imagining how it would play out in the real setting and ASKING the right person is the last thing on my mind.

i'd better spend the day psyching myself up for tomorrow. cant afford to mess up. cant afford to look stupid. i know im placing too much pressure onto myself but i just cant afford to mess up big time. SO HELP ME GOD...