LICENSED TO KILL

shit shit shit

fuck fuck FUCK!

i was such having a great day because i had a short day at work, my patients made me feel important and valued and validated (for being a very good nurse) and then i got this phonecall...

Charge nurse: D, what did Dr. F said about Mrs T's orders??
Me: to D/C the insulin drip but give Humalog 8 units per meal and 20 units of Humulin R by bedtime...
Charge nurse: did he say this to you???
Me: no, i did not talk to him, i transcribed it off the orders...
Charge nurse: are you sure its humulin R?
Me: yes, it looked like an R...but i did see the pen Mrs T. gave me and it was an N so i wondered why it was an R that he ordered.
charge Nurse: why did you not question it???
Me: um...i got busy helping out so and so and it slipped my mind......um....(this time feeling sheepish, cornered, and debating whether at this point i should just say sorry which can prove 2 things: that im incompetent or i'm really sorry for the honest but life-threatening mistake, or that i insist that i saw R written instead of N)...

shit shit shit....

it freaked me out!!! what if she got that huge-a-hunkaaaa dose and bottomed out? what if the following nurse was stupid enough to not question it too??? what if? what if? what if???????? WOULD THAT THEN BE THE END OF ME??? that conversation i had with my charge nurse was like 5 hours ago and it still is freaking me out! i SWEEEEEEEEAAAAAAARRRRRRRR i'm not incompetent and i definitely care enough for my patients to let them DIE like that.... (i was lucky my patients blood sugar was over 20 sooner so they had to review the orders for any sliding scale so they caught it before it happenned..........)

BUT FUCK! i cannot be complacent like that anymore. even though it means my colleagues hating me for not helping them because i read and re-read my orders 50 million times over!!!

IM TOUCHED BY MY PATIENTS...

I took care of a couple of elderly gentlemen this weekend who inspired me so much. their words of thanks were simply put, yet it empowered me so much and it validated the fact that I AM ACTUALLY NURSING. I saw the grateful gestures in their, and their family's eyes. It choked me.

I JUST KNOW THAT I'M DOING THE RIGHT THING...

I SURVIVED

I think im starting to love my job. aside from the occupational hazards that comes with it, i think i can actually say at this point that i love it. but its driving me nuts sometimes. tee-hee.

i survived the weekend shift. it wasn't disastrous at all. the nurses were nice and gave me stable patients that i can discharge.

and then they were not too nice (hehe) by the time i came back on Wednesday. I WAS HAPPY in the beginning of my shift, coz i thought that surgical nursing wasn't that bad as the other nurses paint it to be (they always roll their eyes when they emphasize how busy the floor was) - i was discharging 3 patients before noon and i was ecstatic!! but i guess i celebrated too soon because with discharges comes... ADMISSIONS! (duh?). i got 2 from Post-Anesthesia and 1 from Intensive Care by 4pm. that is 3x the FUN FUN FUN (**rolling my eyes as i type this**). by THURSDAY i got this patient who was so obsessed with his Continuous Bladder Irrigation he keeps staring at it that the minute it trickles down to a low (and which is functional still by the way), he calls ME upset, refuses to lie down and relax in the "soft bed - it hurts my back" bed, and gives me plumbing theories about why the tube doesn't seem to work while insulting the "doctors that you think they're so smart" when i have a gazillion things to finish before i leave @ 7:30 (i ended up leaving at 9pm the past consecutive days). i tell you right now that this is BAD. i wake up @ 5:30am everyday and don't get to leave til at least get home by 9pm on a busy day so that's like 15 hours awake! i swear i think thats the reason why i am 7lbs short when i stepped on the scale this morning.

but then again i can't always focus on the negative aspect of all these right? i like what i'm doing. i especially enjoy it when i'm changing someones wound dressings. or do my head-to-toe assessments, or make concoctions of antibiotics, morphines, working the PCA's, talking to doctors, giving reports, and etc.. makes me think that all those knowledge i've learned in school is finally paying off. and i like the fact that i am doing all right. a nurse came up to me one day and said my charting was EXCELLENT and my resume reflects a future PhD candidate. that really means a lot to me because here i am thinking that i have no clue when i am actually turning out ok.

so yeah tha's it for me for my latest updates. i might need to get some stress tabs at the grocery later. :)

RUMINATIONS...

my "buddy days" at the hospital is over, and i'm about to start my shift on Saturday. i have mixed feelings...

im scared shitless and panicked. right now, i am appearing calm and collected, but the intermittent lapses in memory and judgement is a testament to how i really feel inside. i cant be like this.i hate to appear stupid - coz i know im not, i'm just an inexperienced new grad learning the ropes of the job. but i just hate my present predicament.

i know im supposed to ask for help when i don't know what i am supposed to do. but my pride is keeping me away from doing just that. it takes me a while to go and ask - coz then i have to think of how to rephrase my questions and inquiries to sound like smart questions. no matter how much i try to convince myself that there is no succh thing as stupid questions and that its better to look stupid than acting stupid but all these self-reassurances doessn't help. i hate NOT KNOWING. its like i READ and READ and READ but have trouble imagining how it would play out in the real setting and ASKING the right person is the last thing on my mind.

i'd better spend the day psyching myself up for tomorrow. cant afford to mess up. cant afford to look stupid. i know im placing too much pressure onto myself but i just cant afford to mess up big time. SO HELP ME GOD...