LICENSED TO KILL

shit shit shit

fuck fuck FUCK!

i was such having a great day because i had a short day at work, my patients made me feel important and valued and validated (for being a very good nurse) and then i got this phonecall...

Charge nurse: D, what did Dr. F said about Mrs T's orders??
Me: to D/C the insulin drip but give Humalog 8 units per meal and 20 units of Humulin R by bedtime...
Charge nurse: did he say this to you???
Me: no, i did not talk to him, i transcribed it off the orders...
Charge nurse: are you sure its humulin R?
Me: yes, it looked like an R...but i did see the pen Mrs T. gave me and it was an N so i wondered why it was an R that he ordered.
charge Nurse: why did you not question it???
Me: um...i got busy helping out so and so and it slipped my mind......um....(this time feeling sheepish, cornered, and debating whether at this point i should just say sorry which can prove 2 things: that im incompetent or i'm really sorry for the honest but life-threatening mistake, or that i insist that i saw R written instead of N)...

shit shit shit....

it freaked me out!!! what if she got that huge-a-hunkaaaa dose and bottomed out? what if the following nurse was stupid enough to not question it too??? what if? what if? what if???????? WOULD THAT THEN BE THE END OF ME??? that conversation i had with my charge nurse was like 5 hours ago and it still is freaking me out! i SWEEEEEEEEAAAAAAARRRRRRRR i'm not incompetent and i definitely care enough for my patients to let them DIE like that.... (i was lucky my patients blood sugar was over 20 sooner so they had to review the orders for any sliding scale so they caught it before it happenned..........)

BUT FUCK! i cannot be complacent like that anymore. even though it means my colleagues hating me for not helping them because i read and re-read my orders 50 million times over!!!