NOSTALGIA

friday, i was with my current significant other on the bus riding home listening to mariah carey on my ipod when this one song played and took my mind back to a patchwork of memories 12 years ago.

in my head, i heard his voice again. saying those hurtful words (@ the time) "you'll meet someone else...and you will be fine". in my head i remembered how it felt like - the first time my heart was broken - only it felt more like open heart surgery without the anaesthesia. like someone stabbed me in the chest and ripped it down to my belly - pulled my heart out. hollow. it was like that for a year or so until finally i woke up and decided to pick up the pieces.

it was so many years ago. presently, i do not remember the "joys" of that particular relationship. or even what went on @ those time - good things or bad. except for that one particular day, when finally i let him call it quits. i did not fight back. i did not desperately held on to him like the previous times. i finally had let him go. it was liberating yet it felt like someone died. and it's all i can remember.

maybe that shaped me somehow to the person i am today. you can say it made me stronger? i don't know. if being cynical and jaded is what stronger is then yes that's me today. have i moved on? i think i did. despite the feelings i just described on top, i don't remember any warm fuzzy feelings nor resentment towards him. i can look at his happy pictures and can genuinely say i am happy for how his life turns out. i no longer wish for him any misfortunes, nor fantasize about a happier reunion sometime in the future (with kids, house in the suburbs with white picket fences)...

the song ended and my beau asks me "what am i smiling about". and then i smiled at him, squeezed his arm, rest my head on his shoulders and told him "i'm thankful to have met you..."